First day of the rest of my life

I don’t think I can ever be old enough to stop getting excited about my birthday. About the day itself, about scores of people wishing me (thx to FB on BB that excitement stays on through the day, im the loser who keeps the counts, 236 people wished me over FB *grin* ), about the 12 o clock calls, about mom calling me every two hours updating me on what she was going through at that particular hour before my birth and after, about sharing the birthday with YS (same day same year. I think that’s pretty cool to happen to friends. Although she doesn’t seem to share that excitement, bummer), about 2 of my closest friends celebrating their birthdays the next day and no matter which part of the globe we are in we wish each other exactly at the cusp hour at midnight and obviously about getting numb drunk with your fav people. Wowziiieee!

I am a birthday barmy alright and as a true enthusiast I have my rites to perform. Starting of the new diary, making a new daily schedule, making resolutions for the next year mostly to do and not so much not to do, setting 3 things to accomplish in the year ahead. However the Virgo in me, not satisfied with the existing count of lists, was aching to add a new list to these torrent ceremonial rituals…and I found one, ‘The realizations that have dawned on me about myself in the past year’.

These realizations are not like any palpable facts like ‘no matter how hard I try I cannot maturely react to any situation (I’m a drama queen, news flash? NO!) or that ‘My tears come rolling even when I see mush ads (They have used me as a mush-test for many of Brooke Bond chai films), or that ‘I hate fruits and cricket and can’t figure out which one I hate more’ or that ‘no matter who messages me, I have to send a reply (even if the message reads ‘don’t reply back’ I have to respond with an ok).

The realization/experiences that I am referring to are about rare but powerful occurrences that change the way one looks at a situation or problem forever. They are your ‘Black Swans’.

Cut to ‘Black Swan theory’ - it takes only one black swan, an exceptional…hard to predict phenomenon, to prove that all swans are not white. Kapish?

Cut to my Black swan realizations which have proved that whatever I have believed about myself earlier was obviously marked by fear, ignorance or plain stupidity. The two that I remember from before are about the time I had left my comfortable world in Mumbai and fled to Bangalore. I was 21 and by god I was so dependent on the people around me, my family, friends etc, a difficult transition to place where I didn’t know a single soul. It was not about the new place but more about being by myself. I had never done that. Ever. It was extremely difficult at first, uneasy and discomforting and I eventually found people in multiples however that first one week (might seem too short but in my world it was an era) I learnt how to be at peace with myself, separating me from my world. That very short yet potent experience gave me the comfort in travelling by myself something I would have never dreamed of doing not because of the fear of an alien environment but being singular. And today of all the trips I have had the once I have taken by myself have been the most unadulterated and deep.

The other one is a clichéd jilted lover realization, which most people go through but the beauty is that when I was over it with this particular him, it was like a sudden revelation. I remember the night and where I was when I realized I was over it, not only that relationship but had realized that I can get over any loss. Absolutely any loss. At that moment it meant giving a greater credit to the person in question than he deserves but I had for the first time learnt to move on and finding that the world has not stopped because of that. In that brief second, between two sips of the monk, I thought well then it must be true for any loss hmmm makes sense. And that was it, no matter what or who I have had to sacrifice or let go off after that I have not mulled or mopped over it for more than a couple of moments or days. Well, with that situation I had also realized that everything that is broken cannot be mended no matter how much I want it or work on it however I didn’t have to go through that shit to comprehend this bitter truth. I should have got that when I was 9 and had broken my mom’s favorite glass vase.

Anyhoo, considering these behavior and hence life changing awareness happens at the frequency of the Halley’s comet visiting our little green planet, I am thrilled that I have had one such revelations this year.

I love the rain and splashing my feet in water but I have always been petrified of deep water. However that has not stopped me from harboring a deep desire to swim but the fear has always taken over and I have stopped going for swimming lessons after the first day everytime. Rather several times since the last decade.

This Jan I continued with my annual drill of joining swimming lessons knowing that I will yet again quit on the second day but something was different, we don’t know what but the important thing is that I learnt how to swim in deep water by the 4^th day and on the fifth day as I was floating across the length of the pool, in a brief moment I wondered why did I wait for so many kingfisher calendar years, yearning to do this same thing when it was in fact a very easy task albeit the big fear of god knows what that I over came. As I swam across Mr Saxena ogling eyefuls, I realized that what was the point of the fear now and all those years sitting by the pool or the beach wishing that I could swim. I decided that right after I whack Mr. Saxena I’m gonna never ever stop myself from doing anything that I really want just coz of some reservations or apprehensions. This got me to buy a bike, learn it and ride it. I finally believed that I could lose weight and should not lose anytime in doing that.

These Black Swans don’t come with great pondering. They don’t lead to decisions. Decision are taken and broken daily. These just happen over a fraction of the moment when you least expect them and then change your believes, thought and definition of yourself and the world around. They get you to change the context, the meaning and when you change the meaning you change life.